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A Swing and a Miss

Once again, I struck out in The New Yorker's 298th "Cartoon Caption Contest."

But I still like mine best: 

"François, we're going to need another one of your fabulous sacrifice bundts."

The finalists:

• "O.K., we learned a lot this game, including you can't rush a soufflé." - I don't really see the baseball connection
  
  
• "First base wants to know if you have anything gluten-free." - Meh.
  
  
• "I trust you know what to do when you get to the plate." - A forced baseball reference at best.

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Drinking Problem

An Open Letter to the Production Staff at Red Eye:

Hey Greg (and Friends),

I have no doubt that the bean counters at Fox News bean are reluctant to spend a lot on your excellent show because it's broadcast at 3:00 a.m. So, it's understandable (even admirable) that the RedEye production staff takes it upon themselves to purchase set props, such as the plastic water cups, at local retailers like Bed, Bath and Beyond.

However, I must point out that during the June 30th "Halftime Report," a label of some sort (price tag/barcode) was clearly visible on the bottom of Greg's drinking cup. I've attached a screen shot. Just food for thought.

Andy rules. Bill sucks.

Cheers,
Matt Maul

P.S.
Greg, you magnificent bastard -- I READ YOUR BOOK!
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You Can't Please Everyone

Wow.  I received a scathing comment from a guy named Benjamin in Florida (according to the New Yorker website) to something I posted OVER A YEAR AGO who must be suffering from membrana (that's Latin for "thin skin")!

A finalist for the 192nd New Yorker "Cartoon Caption" contest from May 2009 (YES, fucking May 2009), Benjamin took issue with the fact that I didn't  LOVE his entry (original post copied below).

Benjamin (as "anonymous") writes:

Hi. The caption you entered for this cartoon is awful. Sad and pathetic is the understatement of the century. Not even the slightest bit funny. You lack any sense of humor or literary prowess. To say that a caption "sucks," when it outperformed yours, and is in every way shape or form better than yours, is a pathetic example of poor sportsmanship. You obviously can't write, so quit it with the whole blog thing. No one's reading buddy. Sincerely, the guy that submitted that caption.

My response (bold added):

Dude, you sound so angry (anonymously yet).

I'm not sure how I was being a poor sport? I acknowledged that my entry was poor. Seems to me that you've got your panties in a bunch just because I didn't LOVE your caption as much as the New Yorker did. Hey, savor their positive feedback.

Also, the only way you could have found my obscure post is that you Googled your New Yorker cartoon caption "finalist" status from a YEAR AGO? How fucking sad is that?

As far as my writing goes, to each his own. 

=================
Original Post:

As usual, the winners of the 192nd New Yorker "Cartoon Contest" did nothing for me.

My entry was sad and pathetic:

When my agent told me that I was booked on a "local talkshow," I didn't know he meant in Detroit.

Sigh (so sad).

BUT, the finalists weren't that great either:

• Both the movie and I will be released this summer. - in the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king
  
  
• This is fancy role-playing for a conjugal visit. - sucks!
  
  
• It's my first time on 'Celebrity Parole Hearing.' - you've got to be kidding

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The Politics of Chotsky

Almost predictably, whenever news of major import breaks, ancillary stories about entrepreneurs cashing in with t-shirts seems to follow close behind.  Such was the case of Maurice Harary, a 23 year old business student out of New York, who reportedly sold 120 thousand dollars (or more) worth of "Osama is dead" themed apparel (at Osamadeadtees.com).  He struck while the Internet iron was still hot and cashed in big time.

From The Village Voice:

As of yesterday, he'd reportedly sold 25,000 t-shirts at $12 per shirt. The disturbing frat-boy nature of the "Osama is Dead" t-shirts notwithstanding, it's pretty impressive that Harary acted so quickly and successfully, so props to him for that.

But wait!  The would-be Donald Trump has had a change of heart.

Now, though, he's giving all the money back? Seriously: he told CBS, "I will now be refunding all orders on Osama dead tees. Celebrating over the death of someone, whoever it is, is evil in my eyes."

Closer scrutiny indicates an element of bullshit could be in play here.

Based upon the t-shirt images from his website, Harary used other "schwag" fulfillment sites such as Zazzle and CafePress which actually render such products and sells them for their "merchants" one item at a time.  As the cheapest shirts on Zazzle and CafePress are more than $12 each, it seems unlikely that Harary could sell his shirts for that and make money UNLESS he had gotten a quantity discount by pre-ordering a stock of inventory. The start-up cost of this would be very, very expensive for a college student (prohibitively so).

Instead of the "moral issues" cited, it might be that Osamadeadtees.com actually closed up shop because Harary realized too late that his small-sized operation wasn't equipped to fill 10,000 orders and still be profitable.

So, instead of politics, it might really be a matter of simple math.
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It Depends On What Your Definition of "Is" Is

Fun with Google Autocomplete.  Typing in "is" generated this roster of eclectic choices.

 

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Tense Situation

In case anyone is curious about what the people in the now famous Situation Room photo were REALLY thinking:

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