Postsecrets

Two funny ones from this week's Postsecret batch (link):

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I Apologize in Advance

Separated At Birth -- Merv Griffin and Harper Lee (author of "To Kill a Mockingbird"):


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It Takes an iVillage

Interesting article in Newsweek this week: "Facebook Grows Up" (link).

My favorite line from the piece is a caption on one of the graphics which (unfortunately) doesn't appear in Newsweek's online version:

Facebook does complicate the pleasure of gently losing touch with people you're tired of.

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Or Maybe He Justs Sucks...

From Comcast.net (link)

Steven Seagal, the ponytail-sporting, martial arts-practicing, early '90s-era action hero, thinks that there's a simple explanation as to why the phone hasn't been ringing as much over the past five years, and, just like one of his big-screen characters, he wants someone to pay.

...The 56-year-old actor, who still works steadily but more in the straight-to-DVD genre of late, thinks he deserves an official apology from the FBI, which investigated him several years ago in connection with several shady endeavors, including a 2002 plot to frighten two reporters out of writing unflattering stories about him and his ex-business partner.

Actually, I can think of five other reasons why his career has stalled:

• Into the Sun
• Half Past Dead
• Ticker
• Exit Woulds
• On Deadly Ground

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Check's In the Mail

From Thinkgeek.com: (link)

Excuse Box

Hey, I gotta call you back later...

Everybody gets those annoying phone calls. The kind where you sigh heavily, roll your eyes, and make those annoying "blah-dee-blah" hand gestures like some demented muppet that won't shut up... Believe me, we get those calls, too. We feel your pain. Luckily, we have an awesome solution.

The Excuse Box is no ordinary key tag. Its onboard memory holds 10 full minutes of environmental effects designed specifically to befuddle your annoying caller. Click on the links below, and imagine yourself gleefully escaping from an otherwise awkward and potentially trouble-filled phone call.

• Um, sorry, I really gotta hang up - there's a thunderstorm coming! Hey, can I let you go?


• I'm here at the auto-shop, and the mechanic wants to talk. Oh, jeez! There's all kinds of flashing lights ahead. I'd better hang up...


• I'm sorry, the baby's crying. Can I talk to you later?


• I'm... jeez, I can't hear a thing - they've got this crew putting up dry-wall over here. Can I call you back?


• Okay...hey, that was the final boarding call, I have to get on the plane!


• ...hello?... can you... can you hear me?... you're breaking up...!


• I'm sorry, that was my secretary - I have another call...


• Wow, did you hear that? The operator is breaking in - I gotta take this, it must be important!

These are high-quality sound effects, not some cheap instantly recognizable crap. If you've ever wanted to hang up the phone, guilt free, this gadget is a must-have.

Hee hee
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No Willie Sutton

From Ananova.com:

Robbers snatch dog poo

A Chinese woman has told how robbers snatched a parcel of dog poo wrapped in newspaper out of her hand outside a bank.

Mrs Chen, of Laohekou city, was waiting in the bank to withdraw money when nature suddenly called for her dog.

"While I was waiting in the queue, my dog had to poo. So I asked for several pieces of newspaper to wrap the poo," she said.

After wrapping it, Chen left the bank, and was waiting to cross the street to throw the parcel into a rubbish bin when the robber struck.

"A motorcycle stopped swiftly before me, the man on the rear seat seized the package from me, and they sped away," she said.

Police are investigating the case while "laughing at the stupidity of the robbers", according to Chutian City Papers.

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Six Degrees of Merv

Proving that "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" works with ANYONE, here's how you could do it for Merv Griffin:

1. Merv Griffin - Karl Malden (PHANTOM OF THE RUE MORGUE)
   


2. Karl Malden - Dean Martin (MURDERS ROW)
   


3. Dean Martin - Robert Mitchum (FIVE CARD STUD)
   


4. Robert Mitchum - Robert DeNiro (THE LAST TYCOON)
   


5. Robert DeNiro - Kevin Bacon (SLEEPERS)

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The Company

TNT is running a mini-series called The Company that traces CIA activities over a 40-year period, from the beginning of the Cold War through the demise of the Soviet Union.

It sounds worth watching.

But, based on the previews run by TNT, it looks like the "company" referred to in the title is the Hair Club for Men.
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I Hate Gen-X

Geez...this guy needs to lighten up. Actually, his site is pretty funny.

I Hate Gen-X---[and Y]
Obvious and vulgar, living contrived lives (link)

..Gen-X lazily, carelessly celebrates all that is ugly. There is no intellectual curiosity nor motive behind their desire to tear down that which is beautiful or elegant, no "deconstructivist" artsy-fartsyisms at the root of their aesthetic terror campaign. Rather, they are truly slackers: intellectually atrophied, creatively empty, politically ignorant and inept, and...socially retarded..

• Jeanine Garofalo Calculated frump. Utterly unfunny. She was, however, unintentionally hilarious during her saturation talkshow and news program appearances protesting the Iraq war, doing her usual shtick ... admiring herself as she smugly sprays words while saying absolutely nothing.
  
  
• Ann Coulter A once minor functionary for Gingrich leftover Spencer Abraham (the toadlike former 1-term Senator) who proves that self-promotion can take you anywhere - including the halls of media power ... oh, and look for the irresponsible ranting cunt's new book (she praises Joe McCarthy!) which doesn't seem too concerned with things like historical fact
  
  
• Kevin Smith He proves the point that Gen-X has nothing to say for he stated that he may make only ten films [merciful gods!] because he may "run out of things to say." After his shit-monster in 'Dogma' I kinda think he said it all.
  
  
• Matt Drudge Rich and famous yellow "journalist." An early web entrepeneur, Drudge almost single-handedly started the wasteful debacle (money, time, reputations) of the Clinton impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky affair. Drudge has no formal journalism training, but now earns millions and is treated like a pundit on par with Washington pros who've worked the town for decades. New, lower standards indeed! He once admitted to homosexual "experimentation" and in the interest of equal [prurient] time, I think Clinton supporters would like to know, Matt, ... were you bottom?
  
  
• Jack Black Not since Boomer James Belushi has someone so singularly untalented come along to hog up so much media space. Black is not good-looking, has no discernible talents, and is not the least bit amusing - despite his manic energy putting forth his over-the-top children's level shtick. Oh, by the way, your band sucks too Jack.
  
  
• Monica Lewinsky Unlike Judith Exner, who knew to keep her mouth shut, this tubby cocksucker blabbed to 13 of her closest girlfriends that she was giving oral pleasure to our then president and thus gave the right-wing asshole Republicans all the ammo they needed to precipitate a constitutional crisis. Emblematic of the utter cluelessness about social responsibility and propriety Gen-X embodies.
  
  
• Alanis Morisette I happened to catch the premiere of her breaththrough video (you know, she's wearing white and the video has blurry orange filters muddying the images) ... which I really liked. But that was her one good song. Everything she's done since has been from the lamb-in-heat school of vocalizations Gen-Xers seem to just love. They mistake bad singing for plaintive wailing. It just sounds whiney and awful, but Xers gobble it up.

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Two Wrongs...

Gwyneth Paltrow's latest make-over is NOT an improvement: (link)

It looks like her and Jeanine Garofalo had their genes spliced together in the telepod from "The Fly".

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Tastes Like Chicken

This newly discovered lobster makes a sound like a cricket and has a soft shell that feels like felt: (link)

A bizarre crustacean, tagged the 'musical furry lobster', has been found in Australian waters for the first time.

It's so unusual, with a furry shell and the ability to chirp, that scientists have placed it in its own genus.

But the lobster was almost lost to science.

Rumour has it the French researchers who discovered the world's first specimen in the 1980s didn't realise its significance. So, they ate it for dinner.

Damn French (I wonder if they're good with "freedom fries").

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How Could They Tell?

For one day, Roseanne Barr's Myspace page contained a number of posts that read like drunken rants. For example: (link)

"I need to stop drinking, but I do not wish to...I am in Hawaii on the beach drunk and trying to hide out from people who want me to do a new sitcom which I probably will do cuz [sic] I miss working," went one message attributed to Barr. "I still f--king hate tom arnolds f--king guys and everyone in show biz is a c---sucker too. I should not drink so much, as my own grown children say, but what the hell...I LIKE RED WINE!!!!"

On her official website, she revealed that an ex-employee had hacked into her Myspace account:

"One of the interns who was administering my MySpace page...has been fired," the 54-year-old comic wrote late Monday. "I apologize for the offensive blogging that went on there last night. I write only at RoseanneWorld.com. I apologize to all on MySpace who received the offensive bulletins. The matter has been handled."

For laughs, I went to RoseanneWorld.com and here's one of her REAL posts:

Ronald Reagan: the man who destroyed America, single handedly.
Bush: the men who robbed the savings and loans, the public coffers, ran the CIA and sold our country to saudi arabia and china.
Gingrich: a southern racist and a fat closet case.
Obama: same shit different day
Oprah: loves the rich white hollywood establishment
Hilary: union buster
Bill Clinton: liar thief and friend of bush sr.
Pelosi: such a coward, she might as well have balls.
Romney: insurance whore
democracy: what the president vice president and congress and the senate fear more than anything else, including terrorism
religion: child molesting, woman hating closet cases, money grubbing insurance whores
democrats: sold out spineless bottom feeders
republicans: child molesters and pimps.

I think the hacker makes more sense.

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All the News That's Fit to Pri

From Editor and Publisher:

Honey, They Shrunk The ....Times? Smaller 'NYT' Coming on Monday (link)

...In a front page note to readers this morning, the paper stated that the print edition they will hold tomorrow will be decidedly more compact.

Beginning Monday, the Times "will reduce the width of its pages by an inch and a half," to a 12-inch standard, the paper declared.

"The move will cut newsprint expenses and, in some printing press locations, will make special configurations unnecessary. Slight modifications in design will preserve the look and texture of The Times, with all existing features and sections, and" -- it admitted at the end -- "somewhat fewer words per page."

But fear not -- I'm sure the NY Times editors will come up with a formula to keep the rate of Left-wing ass kissing per page unchanged (nyuk nyuk nyuk).

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Why We Fight

My first thought when seeing this movie was the irony of how President Eisenhower, who was viewed as an idiot by many on the Left (and some on the Right), is now being hailed as a prophet for his "military industrial complex" speech.

The initial two-thirds of Why We Fight IS very interesting. The scenes at the trade show for military hardware are hilarious and it's NOT an exercise in self-promotion like ANYTHING Michael Moore has done.

However, Why We Fight loses a lot of credibility when it tries to build the thesis that the Iraq war was waged mainly as excuse for our government to USE the tools of war. This is vocalized in the film by, among others, Karen Kwiatkowski (who formerly served in the Pentagon):

We have a congress that failed, in every way, to ask the right questions, to hold the president to account. Our congress failed us miserably, and that's because many in congress are beholden to the military industrial complex.

As developed in the film, this idea comes across like a "fluoridated water" conspiracy theory (especially when simple incompetence would be easier to prove).

Also, Gore Vidal, who for some reason appears in LOTS of documentaries, turns up to rant on about how our use of the A-bombs on Japan was a war crime.

That said, Why We Fight is worth renting if only to watch the first hour.
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Cleavage 101

A fashion choice by Sen. Hillary Clinton created a minor public debate last week:

Hillary Clinton's Tentative Dip Into New Neckline Territory (link)
...It was startling to see that small acknowledgment of sexuality and femininity peeking out of the conservative -- aesthetically speaking -- environment of Congress. After all, it wasn't until the early '90s that women were even allowed to wear pants on the Senate floor. It was even more surprising to note that it was coming from Clinton, someone who has been so publicly ambivalent about style, image and the burdens of both.

The US debates Hillary's cleavage (link)
...The story has even been taken up by the Clinton campaign itself, in a fundraising e-mail that went out to supporters saying, "Frankly, focusing on women's bodies instead of their ideas is insulting" and urging readers to "Take a stand against this kind of coarseness and pettiness in American culture. And take a stand for Hillary, the most experienced, most qualified candidate running for president.”

Because SOMEONE has to, I'll help sort things out.

In regard to women politicians and their public displays of cleavage, here's how the voting goes:

Sen. Hillary Clinton - NO


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi - NO


Argentine Sen. Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner - YES!!!!


There endith the lesson.
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The 8th Wonder of the World

Ladies and Gentlemen...Michelle Pfeiffer! (link)



She's in three flicks this year and, at 49 (yes f-o-r-t-y n-i-n-e), is still quite hot!
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Nerd Humor

While I still don't understand the appeal of Harry Potter, here's what happens when two pillars of geekdom (computers and sci-fi/fantasy) collide:

The resignation of the IT director from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (link)

Headmaster:

I regret that I must resign my position, effective two weeks ago, at least.

It is simply impossible under these conditions to create a modern, integrated, flexible IT architecture aligned with the school’s educational mission and objectives.

Deployment of the OC-3 fiber backbone met insuperable difficulties, as you know, when the cabling crew was attacked repeatedly by Dementors. Cabling staff rarely are effervescent people in the best of times, and having their life force sucked through their faces by cloaked, shadowy horrors as they lay paralyzed in icy terror is a serious de-motivator...(more)

Oh, there's more. It goes on and on and on like that for about ten paragraphs. But I must stop now. I've been to two Star Trek conventions and that's stupidest thing I ever read in an email.

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The Simpsons Movie

It was hard to believe that it took 10 years (or more) for the Simpsons team to get this movie made. Maybe they should have pulled the trigger sooner as it appears to have ripened on the vine a bit. It's basically one LONG Simpsons episode that I had to pay for. In fact, there's a great gag about that right at the beginning (Homer looks straight at the audience, points and calls us "suckers").

On my "cartoon show rating continuum" -- with 10 being the very best (such as South Park "Episode 1008: Make Love not Warcraft") and 1 being crap (such as any, and I mean ANY, episode of Family Guy) -- I give it a 7. Not too shabby.

There are only 2 or 3 parts that couldn't have been done on TV (some crowd scenes, where the characters look like cardboard cutouts, and Bart's naked skateboarding exhibition). But still, it's mostly funny and worth the price of a ticket (for a matinee).

Suckers (DOH!).
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Ass, Jack...Ass

Matt Damon, of the lame Bourne spy series spouts off against James Bond. (link)

Bond is "an imperialist and he's a misogynist. He kills people and laughs and sips martinis and wisecracks about it," Damon, 36, told The Associated Press in an interview.

Take it easy there tiger.

Paul Greengrass, Damon's director on Universal's "Bourne Ultimatum" and its 2004 predecessor, "The Bourne Supremacy," agreed that Bond is a relic from a different era.

"He's an insider. He likes being a secret agent. He worships at the altar of technology. He loves his gadgets. And he embodies this whole set of misogynistic values," Greengrass said. "He likes violence. That's part of the appeal of the character. He has no guilt. He's essentially an imperial adventurer of a particularly English sort.

Meanwhile, every frickin' entry in the Bourne series goes like this...Bourne is suddenly and inexpictably attacked in public, he fights his way out using over rehearsed Hollywood karate tricks, he figures out that his old CIA bosses are after him, he calls them on the phone to threaten them, he crashes a car, explosions, the end.

zzzzzzzzz

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It's a Mad House

Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. (link)

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. (AP) - The producers of ABC's new "Cavemen" said Wednesday the comedy is much more than the insurance company commercials that inspired it, but isn't designed to be an ambitious allegory about race.

Geico's TV spots show highly evolved but shaggy-looking cavemen chafing at misconceptions about their sophistication and intelligence. The series, debuting Oct. 2, follows another trio of Cro-Magnons facing prejudice as they try to fit in contemporary society.

"If the show works, it will work because people care about these three guys under a lot of makeup and ... can relate to their problems and find them charming," producer Mike Schiff told the Television Critics Association's summer meeting.

It will be unwatchable and people won't care. I give it 8-10 episodes, tops!

The pilot is being re-shot, ABC said. The network and producers said they decided it jumped ahead too far in the characters' lives and failed to establish them properly.

Translation: test audiences said it sucked.

...One reporter asked why the cavemen don't ease their way by getting a shave and a haircut. "There's a name for those kind of people, and they're called 'shavers,' and the cavemen community looks down on them," Gordon said.

HA HA HEE HEE HARR HAR HAR....You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
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Lighten Up Francis

For some reason reading this conjured up an image of Fredo Corleone in Godfather 2 ("I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!").

From Examiner.com (link)

Newt Gingrich goes nuclear: May enter race to foil 'pygmies'

WASHINGTON - Dismissing the GOP presidential field as a "pathetic" bunch of "pygmies," Newt Gingrich hinted Monday he might step in to beat Democrats Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama.

"If, in mid-October, it's quite clear that one or more of the current candidates is strong enough to be a serious alternative to a Clinton-Obama ticket, you don't need me to run," the former House Speaker said at a breakfast sponsored by the American Spectator. "If it becomes patently obvious, as the morning paper points out, that the Democrats have raised a hundred million more than the Republicans, and at some point people decide we are going to get Hillary unless there's a radical change, then there's space for a candidate," he added. "So you'll know by mid-October one of those two futures is real."

You "don't NEED me to run?" If there's any doubt that he wouldn't "connect" with people, his final quote in the article is classic Gingrich:

Pressed by The Examiner about whether his political baggage renders him unelectable, Gingrich compared himself to a famous French statesman. "This is like going to De Gaulle when he was at Colombey-les-Deux-Eglises during the Fourth Republic and saying, 'Don't you want to rush in and join the pygmies?'" he said.

Oh yes, the "Colombey-les-Deux-Eglises during the Fourth Republic" reference is one we all can identify with.
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Daddy's Little Girl...

All grown up now...

Lindsay Lohan Mug Shot (link)
Actress, 21, nabbed in Santa Monica on drunk driving, cocaine charges JULY 24--Here's the mug shot Lindsay Lohan posed for this morning following her arrest in Santa Monica for drunk driving and cocaine possession. The actress, 21, was nabbed after cops spotted her SUV chasing another vehicle at high speed. After Lohan failed a field sobriety test, she was transported to the L.A. county lockup, where a pat down search turned up cocaine in her pants pocket.

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Talk About "Gassy" Food

From Science Daily:

Weight Gain Of U.S. Drivers Has Increased Nation's Fuel Consumption (link)

Science Daily — As American waistlines have expanded since 1960, so has their consumption of gasoline, researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Virginia Commonwealth University say.

Americans are now pumping 938 million gallons of fuel more annually than they were in 1960 as a result of extra weight in vehicles. And when gas prices average $3 a gallon, the tab for overweight people in a vehicle amounts to $7.7 million a day, or $2.8 billion a year.

Hmmmm...maybe Michael Moore has been the one conspiring with big oil interests all along.
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Mad Men

I was mostly enthusiastic about the first episode. My first thought was that it was almost a cross between Crime Story and the agency scenes from Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House ("if you ain't eatin' Whamm, you aint eatin' ham").

I'm a sucker for all of the retro aspects of the show (production design, music, wardrobe, etc.). So, the look of Mad Men alone is worth at least on hour of anyone's time.

My biggest complaint from the first show was the lazy depiction of the tobacco company executives. Their constant coughing, a tired smoking cliché, undermined the strength of the point that the show was trying to make. Also, the German researcher with the heavy accent was a bit much (Leni Riefenstahl ended up with Greenpeace, not Philip Morris after all).

Going forward, I hope the writers are not trying to be like LA Law and use Mad Men to make weekly social statements via the clients the agency takes on. However, the possibility that the Nixon campaign of 1960 will be a plot element for future shows makes me nervous.

A side note -- who is going to run commercials during a show that basically presents advertising as one big lie?

All that being said, Mad Man's main character, the agency's creative director Don Draper, makes it all work. His "story" is fleshed out in small pieces throughout the first episode. He's a successful, yet jaded, executive. He's a decorated veteran (it's not clear yet if it's WW2 or Korea). His sexually charged interaction with a department store heiress/would be client was great to watch.

The show's ending, where a world weary Don slumps home (revealing his marital status) and tenderly seeks refuge with his kids, was an inspired and moving ending (especially for a first episode).

I'll be watching.
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Colonic AND Ironic

From the Associated Press (link)

WASHINGTON - President Bush will have a colonoscopy Saturday and temporarily hand presidential powers to Vice President Dick Cheney, the White House said.

***INSERT FUNNY PUNCHLINE HERE***
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Barbaric AND Ironic

It was surreal to hear what Senator Robert Byrd, a former Ku Klux Klansman, had to say about Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, an African American, who's been charged with dog fighting: (link)

"Barbaric," Sen. Robert C. Byrd, D-W.Va., shouted four times in a Senate chamber that was mostly empty except for two dozen somewhat startled tourists.

"Let that word resound from hill to hill and from mountain to mountain, from valley to valley across this broad land," he thundered, raising his right hand. "May God help those poor souls who would be so cruel. Barbaric! Hear me!"
...
"I am confident that the hottest places in hell are reserved for the souls of sick and brutal people who hold God's creatures in such brutal and cruel contempt," he said.

"One is left wondering," he said. "Who are the real animals: the creatures inside or outside the ring?"

I'm surprised Byrd didn't call for a good old-fashioned hangin'.
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Moore vs. CNN

CNN responds to an irate Michael Moore after it ran a piece that questioned some of the "facts" presented in "Sicko." I guess Moore got mad because he is used to having his ass kissed by Keith Olberman: (link)

"It's ironic that someone who has made a career out of holding powerful interests accountable is so sensitive to having his own work held up to the light by impartial journalists, as we did in our examination of 'Sicko,' " the (CNN) spokesperson said.

One of the people Moore whined about was CNN's chief medical correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta because he took issue with how Moore sourced his "statistics" in the movie. Predictably, Moore accused Gupta of being an apologist for the medical industrial complex.

Later, however, Gupta got the opportunity to bitch-smack Moore on Larry King Live (link) and in his blog (link):

... is important to get the facts absolutely right and to be transparent about the sources of those facts. Michael knows that I took issue with the "cherry picking" of some numbers to try and bolster his argument. He cited an unsourced BBC report when talking about per capita Cuban spending. That same report also talked about US per capita health spending, but he apparently didn't like that number, so instead he used a projected number from a different study. I worry that comparing apples and oranges purposely, and perhaps needlessly, muddy the argument...

..I also worry that Michael, who is an accomplished film maker, tried to leave people with the impression that health care is free in many other nations and there is a state of utopia. True, Michael did talk about increased taxes in his film, but he also kept calling it "free," which made it nebulous. No question, there are many valuable things to learn from other health care systems, but we should know all things before wholeheartedly endorsing one system over another. We should know that taxes will be much higher, as is the case in France where they are crippled by their health care system. We should also know that a significant number of people in these countries still buy supplemental insurance, apparently unhappy with what the government alone can provide. We should also remember that Medicare, an example of a limited national health care plan in the United States, is expected to go bankrupt by the year 2020.

You've been served.

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When Comics Attack

I'm sure it wasn't anywhere near exciting as a UFC or MMA match, but I hope that the reports of Jon Lovitz beating up Andy Dick are true.

There's a list on RADAR that demonstrates how Andy "Dick" lives up to his name: (link)

December 1997 Gives coke to Phil Hartman's wife Brynn, who'd been sober for 10 years. Brynn kills herself and husband Phil five months later, and Lovitz holds Dick partly to blame

March 1999 Goes on three day-long drinking and drug binge in Las Vegas with actor David Strickland that ends with Strickland hanging himself by a bed sheet in his motel room

July 1999 His band, "Andy Dick and the Bitches of the Century" play at Woodstock '99, and Dick pulls down his pants and exposes himself to the crowd. In an interview some years later with Hustler, Dick explains he thought his indecent exposure would "calm the savage crowd"

February 2004 Kicked out of an alumni dinner for reportedly smoking pot in the basement at Washington University in St. Louis, Dick proceeds to crash a fraternity party, only to be knocked out by one of the frat brothers after grabbing the student's crotch

August 2004 Coldcocked by Wesley Snipes in a men's room after Dick made a pass at the fading action hero, as reported on Howard Stern's radio show

August 2006 Licks the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher, and Patton Oswalt, and bites the hand of New York Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller backstage at the William Shatner roast. Stadtmiller also accuses Dick of urinating in front of her and offering her cocaine

December 2006 Angers an audience at the Improv in L.A. by shouting "You're a bunch of niggers!" in response to Michael Richards's use of the epithet

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The Bill Engvall Show

Because there's still a huge reservoir of "blue collar, down-home, country" sit-com material that "Reba" hasn't even begun to tap, TBS presents "The Bill Engvall Show."

Based on his stand up act (of course), Bill Engvall plays a family therapist who is married and has three kids (why always three kids) and a dog. He gives other families (oh those wacky families) advice but seems to have problems giving his family the same advice (physician heal thyself -- Har Har Ha Ha Ho Ho Hee Hee).

Here's your sign.

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American Body Shop

Here's a clip from my new favorite show, American Body Shop, on Comedy Central (link).

A cross between The Office and American Chopper, it's first and second episodes were tasteless, crude and hilarious.



If Comedy Central is smart, they'll stop wasting time and money running all those ads for "Li'l Bush" (which has a funny theme song and a guy doing a great impression of "W", but is unwatchable after 10 mins) and try to get people fired up about this instead.
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Bitter Swag

Funny stuff...(link).


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Yankee Go Home

The Chinese government fears Starbucks because nothing says "freedom" like a Glande Flappuccino Ratte.

Starbuck closes controversial outlet inside Forbidden City (link)

Beijing: After a seven-year run dogged with controversy, an outlet of the American coffee-shop chain, Starbucks, located inside Beijing’s Forbidden City has closed its doors. The move comes after an intensive Internet campaign started by a State TV anchor last year accused the coffee-shop of “trampling” on Chinese culture and hurting the image of the historical monument.
...

The Starbucks outlet opened inside the Forbidden City, back in 2000 at the invitation of the palace managers who were looking for ways to raise the money needed to maintain the 178-acre complex of villas and gardens.
...

From the very beginning, there were some critics in China who felt that the presence of the American franchise inside the palace was jarring and culturally inappropriate. Thus, shortly after opening, Starbucks had agreed to lower its profile by removing an exterior sign.

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Aim Four the Stars

Remember when being called a "rocket scientist" meant you were smart?

Houston, we have a shuttle typo
NASA fills Spell Checker position at KSCBY

TODD HALVORSON - FLORIDA TODAY
How about this for a quick fix?

NASA scrambled someone out to pad 39A with a new sign that has the orbiter Endeavour's name spelled correctly, and then posted a photo at the Kennedy Space Center's web site.

When the shuttle was rolled out to its seaside launch complex Wednesday, one item was missing: the "u" in Endeavour.

The orbiter is named after HM Bark Endeavour, the ship commanded by 18th century explorer James Cook; the name also honored Endeavour, the Command Module of Apollo 15. This is why the name is spelled in the British English manner, according to Answers.com.

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ABNER!!!

I wish Borders Books would quit emailing me about that dagone new Harry Potter book. Frankly, I hope it IS the last one (but I bet it's not).

If I have to hear another J. K. Rowling interview where she drones on and on about what inspired her to come up with Harry Potter and how she prepares for each new book and where the characters are going, I'm gonna puke! I mean it!!



BTW, I think he's a witch!
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Revenge ON The Nerds

From WebMD:

Nintendo Game Sparks Acute ‘Wiitis’ (link)

...Spending too much time playing simulated sports with video games may lead to real pain and sore muscles, researchers say.

A letter in TheNew England Journal of Medicine details the first documented case of acute “Wiiitis” caused by extended play on the Nintendo Wii video game system.

A doctor in Spain diagnosed the new variant of Nintendinitis in a healthy 29-year-old male medical resident who woke up one morning with intense pain in the right shoulder. He hadn’t participated in any sports or physical exercise recently, but he had just purchased a Nintendo Wii video game system and had spent several hours playing the tennis video game.

...“If a player gets too engrossed, he may ‘play tennis’ for many hours,” writes Julio Bonis, MD, of the Instituto Municipal de Investigation Medica in Barcelona, Spain. “Unlike in the real sport, physical strength and endurance are not limiting factors.

These people need to get out there and engage in robust, healthy, energizing activties -- like smoking cigars, drinking Starbucks and running a blog.

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Sea of Love

"Plenty of Fish" (link), is an online dating site that I heard about on the radio. For laughs (honest) I decided to check it out (er...um...for a friend...really).

Anyway, here are a couple of ACTUAL photographs from two would-be "matches" that show what NOT to do when creating an account profile picture.

1) Take Your Time:

This guy must have been in a hurry because he left his trench coat on. It makes him look like the sadistic Nazi dentist played by Lawrence Olivier in "Marathon Man" (is it safe?).

Also, where did he take this picture? It looks like a hotel lobby.


2) Compose the Shot CAREFULLY:

This gal should have framed the shot so that her toilet was NOT visible. MOST digital cameras have a "cropping" feature (no pun intended) for just this purpose.

Nuff said.
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Da Bulls

Apparently, the guests of honor are bullish on America as two Americans were among those who got gored at this year's San Fermin festival in Pamploma, Spain. I love reading the details of the various injuries. (link)

Four people — including two Americans — were gored Friday during the running for the bulls at this year’s San Fermin festival, officials said.
...

John Doyle, 22, of Dunwoody, Ga., was gored in the groin and would probably be hospitalized for a day or two, said Dr. Wilfredo Soler of Virgen del Camino Hospital.

The other injured American was a 22-year-old man from Louisiana who was gored in the left knee, Soler said. The American requested that his name not be disclosed.

The worst injured was Juan Vallbona Serra, 23, of Sabadell, Spain, who was struck by a bull, which then fell on him. As he struggled free, two other bulls hit him in the back and side, lifting him into the air.

...

Runners were knocked off their feet, trampled or pushed against barricades all along the 900-yard route on narrow cobblestone streets from a corral to a bullring.

Heh heh...hee hee... ha ha ha...
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We Are The -cough- World

"Fun with statistics" on today's Live Earth concert: (link)

A Daily Mail investigation has revealed that far from saving the planet, the extravaganza will generate a huge fuel bill, acres of garbage, thousands of tonnes of carbon emissions, and a mileage total equal to the movement of an army.

The most conservative assessment of the flights being taken by its superstars is that they are flying an extraordinary 222,623.63 miles between them to get to the various concerts - nearly nine times the circumference of the world. The true environmental cost, as they transport their technicians, dancers and support staff, is likely to be far higher.

The total carbon footprint of the event, taking into account the artists' and spectators' travel to the concert, and the energy consumption on the day, is likely to be at least 31,500 tonnes of carbon emissions, according to John Buckley of Carbonfootprint.com, who specialises in such calculations.

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Insert Funny Double Entendre Here

Why can't Starbucks do something like this?

Company Advertises for Condom Testers (link)

MELBOURNE, Australia -- A major condom brand said Friday it expected thousands of applicants for a new unpaid job on offer -- condom tester.

Durex said 200 adult Australians -- men and women -- are wanted to test a range of its condoms.

While the successful applicants will not be paid, each will receive a pack of Durex sex products, a chance to win 1,000 Australian dollars ($857 U.S.), plus professional prestige, the company said in a statement.
. . .
Hopefuls must explain in their applications why they would make "expert" condom testers.

How they test the condoms is not specified, but testers must provide honest feedback about how they find the products.

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Thanks for the Memories

Tee hee...(here's the link, in case you can't see it)


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Ex and the City

According to Comcast News, a big screen "Sex and the City" movie will start shooting this fall (link):

When the show ended its HBO run in 2004, each of the women wound up paired off with her beua: Carrie with Mr. Big, Miranda with Steve, Charlotte with Harry and Samantha with Smith. While no deals have been inked to bring back the menfolk back, negotiations for supporting players are expected to begin closer to the production date, with Chris Noth expected to reprise his Big role.

I can't figure out what "sex" the "Sex and the City" flick will cover. Two hours of them sharing bedroom stories about Steve, Harry, Smith and Mr. Big doesn't sound very entertaining.

Maybe it'll turn out that the "Sex and City" men were the ones who got whacked right after "The Sopranos" finale blackout.

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Alcohol and Electricity Don't Mix

From the Associated Press:

Al Gore's Son Arrested on Drug Suspicion (link)

LAGUNA NIGUEL, Calif. - Al Gore's son was arrested early Wednesday on suspicion of possessing marijuana and prescription drugs after deputies pulled him over for speeding, authorities said.

Al Gore III, 24, was driving a blue Toyota Prius about 100 mph on the San Diego Freeway when he was pulled over at about 2:15 a.m., Sheriff's Department spokesman Jim Amormino said.

I guess it's not funny, but I just couldn't help chuckling over the fact that he drives a Prius. At lease he's consistent.
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On The Fence

Usually, the louder lightweight Keith Olbermann rants and raves about something (as he did last night regarding Bush's commuting of "Scooter" Libby's perjury conviction), the more I'm convinced of the merits of the opposing viewpoint. However, I'm still undecided about this one.

Here are two commentators who's opinion I respect on the subject. And they couldn't be further apart:

Christopher Hitchens (link)
The rush to prejudge the case and pack Libby off to prison seems near universal. (Patrick Fitzgerald has denounced him for failing to show remorse; a strange charge to make against a man who has announced that he intends to appeal.) Given the unsoundness of the verdict, the extraordinary number of other witnesses who admitted to confusion over dates and times, and the essential triviality of the original matter (an apparently purposeless coverup of a nonleak, in private and legal conversations, involving common knowledge of information that was not known to be classified), it is unlikely that the verdict at present can stand scrutiny, let alone the sentence. But why go through all this irrelevant and secondhand hearsay again? Those who want to "get" someone for "lying us into war" have picked the wrong man and failed to identify a crime. Let them try to impeach the president, who should in the meantime step in to avoid any more waste of public money and time and pardon Libby without further ado.

Andrew Sullivan (link)
They keep repeating the line that only the "left" will be angry. Dean Barnett hauls it out. Glenn Reynolds echoes. K-Lo is on the meme. Is it now the conservative position that only left-wingers actually object to people getting away with perjury? For what it's worth, I don't think the Republican base gives a damn about Scooter Libby. But many others now will. The defense of the commutation is complicated and unpersuasive. The case against it is simple: You don't get a cleaner example of different justice for the rich and powerful. It seems to me that real conservatives - not the lawless hoodlums now parading under that banner - should be as outraged as anyone. This man risked national security for political payback, and perjured himself to cover it up. This commutation will rightly become a symbol of a great deal of rot in Washington that needs to be swept clean.

BTW, here's a karmic coincidence -- Libby (a lawyer) once represented Mark Rich --who was convicted for tax evasion and infamously pardoned by Bill Clinton. (link)

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With "Friends" Like These...

From ISNA, the "Iranian Students News Agency" - (link)

TEHRAN, July 02 (ISNA)-Writer, producer and director, Michael Moore is to come to Iran for the screening of his new production SICKO in the first international documentary film festival held here.

This festival will be held from the 15th to the 19th of October in Tehran.

It speaks for itself, so I don't have much to add.

I will note that it looks like Moore got a makeover for the publicity photo. The "man of the people" must have spent a couple hundred bucks at a salon (he's probably not a good tipper either). His trademark baseball cap, dark framed glasses and scruffy five o'clock shadow are gone.

But an eyebrow waxing and Photoshop can't hide 75-100 extra pounds.

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...And He's Fat

The Star, a liberal Canadian paper no less, trashes Moore's latest flick, Sicko (link):

(Moore) sparks valuable debate about such serious issues as gun abuse, politicized terror and corporate chicanery, yet he does so with little regard to factual accuracy or even simple fairness. He is a crusader without conscience.
...
Sicko is also completely lacking in journalistic rigour, presenting only the negatives of for-profit U.S. health care and only the positives of the government-run Canadian, British, French and Cuban Medicare programs. As always, Moore makes unsupported assertions and uses out-of-context edits. The film is not a documentary, if that term is to mean anything more than unvarnished propaganda.
...
many other sad and shocking stories are contrasted with scenes of the enlightened Utopias in other countries, where Medicare is "free" – if you ignore the fact, as Moore does, that high taxes and long wait times pay for that "free" care.
...
Moore interviews the pediatrician daughter of late Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara, who tells us that communism is better than capitalism.

Gosh, who could argue with such impartial counsel? Maybe the many Cubans who each year try to flee the island to become American citizens? Such things, as usual, don't trouble Moore. Nor does it seem to occur to him that if Guantanamo were to deny health care to its prisoners, the U.S. would be in violation of international law and basic human rights.

The good news is that I think Moore is finally, and deservedly, getting marginalized as most people get that he unfairly stacks the deck in his films.
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Separated At Birth?

The Hillary Clinton cover from latest issue of Fortune reminded me of the stepmother from Cinderella.


Before anyone accuses me of picking on her, the last "separated" photos I passed along were of Mary Cheney and Phil Spector (link).

Interestingly, the "International" edition of Fortune has the shot cropped so that Hillary's face takes up more of the cover.

Yikes!

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Leave the Gun, Take The Onions

This is funny (BTW, it's a parody NOT a real news story)...

From The Onion (full "article" here - link)...

James Gandolfini Shot By Closure-Seeking Fan

NEW YORK—Actor James Gandolfini, best known for his portrayal of mob kingpin Tony Soprano on the hit HBO show The Sopranos, was shot to death Tuesday in a Greenwich Village restaurant by a fan unable to accept the open-ended conclusion of the series finale that aired earlier this month.

According to police reports, 28-year-old marketing research assistant Louis Bowen walked into the small Italian restaurant Occhiuto's at approximately 7:40 p.m. and headed directly toward Gandolfini's table. Bowen then drew a snub-nosed .38 revolver from his jacket and shot Gandolfini point-blank in the head three times before dropping the gun and calmly exiting the eatery.

Bowen was apprehended two blocks away by two NYPD officers and reportedly put up no resistance.

"I couldn't let it just hang," Bowen told police in a post-arrest confession released to the media. "Eight years of my life, and a fucking artsy cut to black? It was eating me up inside."
...

In a late-night City Hall press conference, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg refused to comment on the killing.

"No, no, don't tell me what happened," said Bloomberg, hastily plugging his ears. "I TiVo'ed the last six episodes but I've been too busy to watch them. No spoilers, please."

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Pretty and PETA

An anxious world need wait no longer as the "World’s Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrities" list is finally out. (link)

Apparently, vegetarian's set the bar for "sexy" pretty low as witnessed by some of those who made it.

Women

• Alicia Silverstone
• Chelsea Clinton
• Chrissie Hynde
• Daryl Hannah
• Grace Slick
• Linda Blair
• Mary Tyler Moore
• Tatum O’Neal

Men:

• Bob Barker
• Casey Kasem
• Corey Feldman
• Dennis Kucinich
• Dick Gregory
• Forest Whitaker
• G. Gordon Liddy
• James Cromwell
• Leonard Nimoy
• Little Richard
• Weird Al Yankovic

To be fair, Natalie Portman made the list.

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Only the Lonely

From BBC News: (link)

The European Space Agency (Esa) is seeking volunteers for a simulated human trip to Mars, in which six crew spend 17 months in an isolation tank.

They will live and work in a series of interlocked modules at a research institute in Moscow. Once the hatches are closed, the crew's only contact with the outside world is a radio link to "Earth" with a realistic delay of many minutes.
...
The goal is to gain insight into human behaviour and group dynamics under the kinds of conditions astronauts would experience on a journey to Mars.
...
With the exception of weightlessness and radiation, the crew will experience most other aspects of long-haul space travel, such as cramped conditions, a high workload, lack of privacy, and limited supplies.

Of course, they could save a lot of time and money by just having the volunteers watch a marathon of "The Closer." I'm pretty sure that would have the same results as 17 months in isolation. Come to think of it, this could also work well at Gitmo.

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What About Rosie?

From the AP (link):

"The Price Is Right" needs a host, and Rosie O'Donnell is interested. Very interested. The 45-year-old said on her blog recently that she was meeting with the "Price" people this week and that she "sure would" accept the job if they offer.

Her qualifications include:

• an overinflated sense of her own talent
• mean and nasty
• a propensity for hitting on hot models

I think she'd be the perfect choice to follow in that jackass Bob Barker's footsteps.
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Ba-Da Boom

Upon a second viewing of The Sopranos finale, I'm more convinced than ever that the "Members Only" guy is NOT a hit man, and it's the viewer who's getting whacked at the blackout.

The title, "Made in America", is a common phrase that's becoming an anachronism (certainly in David Chase's universe). What the wise guys call "this thing of our's" is running against the current trend of America's zeitgeist (as witnessed by the shrinking of Little Italy shown early in the episode).

Vehicles, often characterized by their country of origin, play a very visible role in "Made in America."

• Phil's head is crushed by what is prominently shown to be a Ford
  
  
• Meadow, a recently recruited junior member of Tony's "thing," has problems parking her foreign car.
  
  
• AJ, who is NOT yet on board (he only wants to be in show business), darts easily around in his BMW and effortlessly parallel parks to pick up his hot new girlfriend.

Which leads to the blackout ending. Both "made" (the "Member's Only" guy) and "America" (the fat guy in the USA cap drinking coffee with multiple creams and lots of sugar) are there simply as symbols of foreboding, NOT actual physical threats to Tony (not yet anyway). He’ll forever have to be on the alert (as he demonstrates in the booth while trying to talk to his wife and AJ).

We the viewer, only vicarious members of Tony's club, will not be around to see these forces play out.

BTW, it seems like the people whining about all the "symbolism" in the last Sopranos episode are the same ones who spend HOURS analyzing every f'n episode of Lost.
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Fo-get Abowt It (Spoiler)

Wow...lots of whining today about last night's The Sopranos finale.

I actually liked it.

It wasn't the typical last episode that was neatly constructed and spoon fed the audience a clear conclusion. This ending was totally consistent with how the show has been handled for six seasons. The ambiguity didn't bug me at all. I think a Scarface type gun-fest ending would have a let down.

Two theories as to what happened at the black out (which I'm pretty sure meant someone got clipped because, as Tony once said, "you never see it coming"):

1. Tony gets whacked
2. The audience gets whacked (by the show's ending).

I think the latter.

David Chase LOVES messing with his audience -- almost to the point of contentiousness. For instance, twice this season a crowd of people were shown witnessing a "hit." Both times it seemed to be a knock on Sopranos fans as Mafia voyeurs and wannabes.

Chase was upset that he couldn't end the show at five seasons when he tried to. So, he whacked us as punishment.

Great stuff.

BTW, if you want a shoot-em-up ending that wraps things up, get over it and rent Smoking Aces.
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"Quality Is Job One" or Number Two?

Two views on quality at Ford Motor Company.

First, the J.D Powers Report: (link)

Ford Motor Co., including Mazda Motor Corp., won five model segments, more than any other automaker, as it gained ground on the foreign automakers in the 2007 J.D. Power and Associates Initial Quality Study released Tuesday.
. . .
The study, a widely regarded industry standard for new-car quality, surveys customers on defects and design problems they have found after 90 days of ownership.

Or, the "POS Test": From the Urban Dictionary

The "Piece of Shit" Test
When one takes the name of a piece of hardware or software (or anything else, for that matter) and runs it through http://www.google.com/ with "+ piece of shit" added to the end. An excellent way of testing the reliability/worthiness of your chosen product.

In other words, a relative measure of quality based on a count of how many times the Internet contains the name of a particular product AND the phrase "piece of shit."

• 1,020,000 for "ford + piece of shit"
• 416,000 for "gm + piece of shit"
• 396,000 for "honda + piece of shit"
• 326,000 for "toyota + piece of shit"
• 158,000 for "chrysler + piece of shit"

No, I'm not still bitter over the transmission problems I had with my '92 Tempo.

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London Calling

A true story worthy of The Onion regarding claims that the logo for the 2012 Olympics is causing epileptic fits (link):

A segment of animated footage promoting the 2012 Olympics has been removed from the organisers' website after fears it could trigger epileptic seizures.

And migranes (link):

The controversial 2012 Olympics logo ran into more trouble today as it emerged that a video promoting it had triggered migraines and epileptic fits.

I guess that means Mary Hart won't be doing any Olympic coverage (link).
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Losers...Come on Down!!

I wonder which fans are more "fanatical" -- Stars Wars people waiting in line for tickets to the next installment or die-hard Bob Barker fans in sleeping bags outside of the Price is Right studio. (link)

Philip Barrett, 24, of Tampa, Fla., had camped outside the studios since Saturday to see Barker tape his last show Wednesday afternoon.

"This is the chance of a lifetime," he said.

Melanie Zepeda Velez, 32, traveled from Alberta, Canada. "I'm here because I need to kiss Bob," she said.

Fans hoped for a chance to bid on prizes, but mostly they came to bid farewell.

Barrett had to hear Barker say it one last time. "I get teary-eyed just thinking about it," he said.

. . .

"I'd rather win a couch from Bob Barker than a million dollars from Howie Mandel," host of NBC's "Deal or No Deal," said Mark Dub, a NASA engineer who flew from Houston for the final show. "He's part of American culture."

I hope they apply Bob's trademark close for each show, "Have your pets spayed and neutered," to themselves as well.

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