Saturday, April 05, 2008

Maul Madness: Round One Results

Round 1 results for Maul Madness 2008:

Region A
Rescue Me destroys the The Factor as Bill O'Reilly refuses to shut up and let his guests talk

Region B
The Office ends up on top in a close one against Soup

Winner of Region C faces winner of Region D

Region C
Gotta go with the Tuetils and American Chopper against the waning cop show The Shield

Region D
South Park routes Lost in a easy victory as the latter can't find it's way

Winner of Region E faces winner of Region F

Region E
The substance of Meet the Press over the vacuous and lame Law and Order

Region F
When legend becomes fact, print the legend. Mythbusters over Hardball with Chris Matthews

Winner of Region G faces winner of Region H

Region G
Battlestar Galactica easily whips Simpson-wanna be Family Guy

Region H
Simpsons pwns the mediocre self love fest of Keith Olbermann's Countdown

For Round Two, the victor in Region A goes up against winner of Region B

Region A:
Rescue Me vs. The Office

Region B:
American Chopper vs. South Park

Region C winner meets Region B winner

Region C:
Meet the Press vs. Mythbusters

Region D:
Battlestar Galatica vs. The Simpsons


Read more!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Everyone Was Capoeira Fighting

(posted as part of the 2nd Annual White Elephant Blogathon at Lucid Screening)

Only The Strong - 1993
Diretor: Sheldon Lettich
Starring: Mark Dacascos

Egads! Where do I start.

One of reasons that West Side Story seems dated today is the way it used dancing to symbolize gang fighting. Somehow, "jazz hands" just don't have the same street cred anymore.

In Only The Strong, a 1993 effort directed by Sheldon Lettich and starring Mark Dacascos, dancing isn't just used as a metaphor for fighting, dancing IS the way these thugs fight.

Our main character, Louis Stevens (Mark Dacascos), a former Green Beret (they're always former Green Berets aren't they) returns home from a stint in Brazil to find the old neighborhood in shambles.

A tattered American flag visible behind him, Stevens' old high school teacher and mentor, "Kerrigan" (that's how he's listed in the credits), struggles to explain Darwinism to a bunch of disinterested pupils who are too well aware of how the process of natural selection works (hence, the movie's title).

Stevens, who has mastered Capoeira, a rhythm-based Brazilian martial art form, gets thrown into the mix by beating up a local drug king pin on the high school playground. Seeing the students respond to Louis, Kerrigan decides to enlist him to help clean up the neighborhood.

The school board, portrayed as a mostly ineffectual bunch, approve of an experimental "boot-camp" where ten of the toughest "lost causes" are culled from the student body to be cured by the gift of Capoeria. Kerrigan and Stevens turn an old firehouse into a martial arts studio.

Even by nineties standards the ethnically diverse bunch don't seem ALL that tough. In fact, it appears that the worst infractions of one of the delinquents is that he plays his oversized boom box too loud.

Of course, this boom box comes in handy when Stevens incorporates it into his lessons that are accompanied by the tune "Zoom, Zoom, Zoom."

I hate to be nasty, but it turns out that Only the Strong's most important contribution to our culture is as the source for a Mazda ad campaign theme song.

To be fair, no one watched Fred Astaire movies for the drama off the dance floor. Likewise, nothing Bruce Lee ever did that didn't involve punching, kicking and nunchucks was really all that interesting.

So, I won't be overly critical of Only the Strong's narrative. Suffice to say, there isn't much of one.

That leaves me with just the fighting to judge.

I appreciate the physical talent required to practice this martial art form. And while I'd never say this to the face of a Capoeira master, the fighting in Only the Strong is quite weak.

I'll give them credit for NOT resorting to the sort of ridiculous floating in the air on wires trick that ruined the fight scenes for me in (take your pick) Charlie's Angels, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Kill Bill. The Matrix is the exception that proves the rule because the internal logic of it's premise ALLOWED for that sort of gravity defiance.

I'm also not a fan of the over choreographed battles in current films like the Bourne series, which have always struck me as fake because of their very perfection (plus the fact that I've never bought into Matt Damon as a tough guy).

For my money, two of the VERY best fight scenes in cinema was the hand-to-hand struggle between Sean Connery and Robert Shaw in From Russia with Love and near the end of Enter the Dragon where Bruce Lee beats up henchmen who ambush him in the command center. Both are well planned out, yet seem spontaneous.

Only the Strong suffers from the fact that, in addition to never using their guns, the bad guys politely wait their turn to get their licks in on the hero. Thus, giving Louis the chance to thump his way out of it.

Years ago, my uncle (a tough ex-sailor) and I went to see Billy Jack (a movie about a Green Beret who vents his frustration at the establishment with frequent displays of violent pacifism). I can still remember my uncle laughing and telling me the story about getting jumped by five guys who, for every single punch he threw, hit him with ninety-nine.

The other problem with the fights as staged in Only the Strong, is that the combatants seldom get close enough to actually hit each other. The battles consist of a series of random back flips and gratuitous cartwheels that occasionally get broken up by actual punches.

I've included a YouTube of the Only the Strong's final showdown.

I'll save you from having to watch the previous hour and a half and let you judge for yourself if it's any good.


Read more!

Monday, March 31, 2008

Missed It By THAT Much!

Oh, I was all over the 138th New Yorker "Cartoon Caption Contest"



My entry (perhaps a bit wordy) was:

On the bright side, because this case requires three sessions a week, you'll qualify for "Lobster Fridays!"

The "winners" included:

  • "Get naked, jump in, and make this marriage work!" - sucked

  • "We call it shark-tank therapy." - too obvious

  • "And if you'll agree to drop the divorce proceedings and reconcile I'll throw in a pair of lobsters."

The last one was VERY VERY close to what I submitted. But I think MINE was better.

I mean, the counselor doesn't NEED the tank in his office if he's just throwing in a pair of lobsters. On the other hand, he'd have to have one for "Lobster Fridays."

I wonder if the other lobster entry just got in before mine. And no, I'm not bitter (not much anyway).


Read more!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Penny-wise, Dollar Foolish

I thought something was wrong with my monitor settings when I tried to do a Google search today.

It turns out that Google did that on purpose to promote "Earth Hour Day." This is another one of those annoyingly meaningless "green" exercises which invites people to turn out their lights from 8:00pm to 9:00pm (in their local time zones) to combat global climate change.

My guess is that the energy saved by the handful of people who actually do turn out their lights for an hour will be more than offset by the extra electricity expended by Google users who take longer with their searches because of the f'd up home page (I'm just sayin').


Read more!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Careful Blowing Out the Candles

Is it your birthday, or are you just glad to see me?

From today's Erie Times News:

Big day for little blue pill
Happy birthday to the little blue pill. Ten years ago today, the Food and Drug Administration approved Viagra, a drug that has given a boost to millions of men with sexual dysfunction.

"It's had a huge impact," said Zdzislaw Chorazy, M.D., a Saint Vincent Health Center urologist...

No pun intended.

BTW, I'm surprised Google didn't have a special homepage image to celebrate.


Read more!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

More Whimper, Less Bang

A silver haired Jamie Lee Curtis dons the cover of AARP magazine and Sally Field is a spokesperson for Boniva (osteoporosis medication).

Sure, they're still attractive. But this baby boomer is feeling a wee bit older.


Read more!

Maul Madness Round One

2008 has seen the Sopranos getting blacked out, Law and Order jumping the shark, Rescue Me, The Sheild, and Battlestar Galatica all on extended hiatus (with the latter two in their final season), and Deadwood ending in a whimper not a bang (along with my HBO subscription).

So, "Maul Madness" doesn't seem as fun as last year. But I'll carry on anyway.

Here are the brackets for Maul Madness 2008:

Winner of Region A faces winner of Region B

Region A
Rescue Me vs. The Factor with Bill O'Reilly

Region B
Soup vs. The Office

Winner of Region C faces winner of Region D

Region C
American Chopper vs. The Shield

Region D
South Park vs. Lost

Winner of Region E faces winner of Region F

Region E
Meet the Press vs. Law and Order

Region F
Hardball with Chris Matthews vs. Mythbusters

Winner of Region G faces winner of Region H

Region G
Family Guy vs. Battlestar Galactica

Region H
Simpsons vs. Countdown with Keith Olbermann

Let the games begin. And remember, no wagering!!


Read more!

Monday, March 24, 2008

DOA

Poor Jack.

If someone jumps off a building, and no one is around to listen, do they make a "smooshing" sound on the concrete?

Today, Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian kicked off his 2008 run for U.S. Congress on the same day as that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's twelve count indictment was announced.

From the Detroit Freep:
Mayor, Beatty charged with perjury, conspiracy, misconduct -- Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy charged Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and former chief of staff Christine Beatty today with perjury, obstruction, conspiracy and misconduct. Kilpatrick said that he expects "full and complete vindication."...(more)


(on sale now at Tabloid T-Shirts)


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Saturday, March 22, 2008

Waiting For Cartman



Could it be that my beloved South Park has jumped the manatee?

As I posted last week, South Park's previous episode, "Tonsil Troubles," fell short of their usual quality.

Unfortunately, this week's outing, "Britney's New Look," wasn't much better.

The plot centers around a visit to South Park by Britney Spears. The boys, along with the rest of the town, turn into vicious paparazzi trying to hit the jackpot by snapping a picture of the pop star in an embarrassing pose.

Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Butters manage to get past security and into Britney's hotel room by claiming to be her children (part of the deception involved dressing Butters as a squirrel).

Disappointed and distraught at not seeing her real children, Spears blows the top of her head off with a shotgun.

The funniest part of the episode occurs when the Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters all look helplessly at her lifeless body. After a beat or two, Cartman quietly turns around and heads out the door without comment (never to return).

Cut to the hospital where the ER team is able to keep Spears alive despite losing the entire top of her head. Guilt-ridden, Stan and Kyle stick around to try to make things right.

Even though the lack of a roof over her mouth prevents her from making more than grunting sounds, Britney's "people" lead her around like Spock in Star Trek's "Spocks Brain" (a reference I'm surprised the South Park writers didn't allude to) and have her continue to record songs and make appearances.

To what's left of Britney's face, the "Team Spears" people sing her praises. But, behind her back, the ink still wet on their paychecks, they chide and mock her.

Disgusted by this exploitation, Kyle and Stan plot to take her to Alaska.

I'm probably not doing it justice, but to make a long story short, it turns out that Britney is just the next in line to be sacrificed as part of a regular ritual carried out to ensure a robust corn crop harvest.

Like the Easter Bunny story, everyone except the kids are aware of this dark, secret conspiracy.

It's pretty rough satire which takes on our celebrity driven culture that, fed by "entertainment" news, loves to put people on pedestals for the explicit purpose of knocking them down.

However, the laughs weren't all that side-splitting for me. It mostly evoked appreciative chuckles. Such as the recreation of Britney's disastrous MTV appearance and, later on, a quick nod to "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers" when one of the paparazzi recognizes Spears.

But in it's first two new episodes, South Park has yet to come up with anything as fresh, and laugh out loud funny as the "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" song, or the crew's metamorphosis into fat "Warcraft" warriors, or the spot-on Family Guy parodies.

I think one of the main problems was having Cartman leave the episode so soon and not come back. He certainly could have helped liven things up a bit. My guess is that the writers felt that there were already enough parasites being depicted and Cartman wasn't needed.

In retrospect, given how mediocre most of "Britney's New Look" played out for me, leaving the episode early turned out to be a pretty smart move.
Read more!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Maul Madness 2008 Begins

2008 has seen the Sopranos getting blacked out, Law and Order jumping the shark, Rescue Me, The Sheild, and Battlestar Galatica all on extended hiatus (with the latter two in their final season), and Deadwood ending in a whimper not a bang (along with my HBO subscription).

So, "Maul Madness" doesn't seem as fun as last year. But I'll carry on anyway.

Here are the brackets for Maul Madness 2008:

Winner of Region A faces winner of Region B

Region A
Rescue Me vs. The Factor with Bill O'Reilly

Region B
Soup vs. The Office

Winner of Region C faces winner of Region D

Region C
American Chopper vs. The Shield

Region D
South Park vs. Lost

Winner of Region E faces winner of Region F

Region E
Meet the Press vs. Law and Order

Region F
Hardball with Chris Matthews vs. Mythbusters

Winner of Region G faces winner of Region H

Region G
Family Guy vs. Battlestar Galactica

Region H
Simpsons vs. Countdown with Keith Olbermann

Let the games begin. And remember, no wagering!!


Read more!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Horton v. Wade

Geez...crying babies, ringing cellphones, and now this.

Anti-abortion activists do the Pro-Life equivalent of yelling "fire" in a crowded theatre at the premiere of Horton Hears a Who as described by Kim Masters in Slate.

...protesters started yelling shortly after Horton uttered his famous motto: "A person's a person, no matter how small."

...anti-abortion activists had infiltrated the theater. Afterward, they handed out fliers designed to look like tickets.

...ZoBell says it would be nice if these people came up with their own material. But if they don't go too far-by copping the illustrations, for example-they can use a line like "A person's a person, no matter how small," even if it wouldn't have pleased Dr. Seuss. And it wouldn't have. The Geisels were opposed to using the Dr. Seuss books for any political agenda.

While, I support the group's right to protest (and am even somewhat sympathetic to their cause), I'd be damn pissed if they started disrupting a movie I had just bought fifty bucks worth of tickets for.

I wonder how they'd react to me and my FOUR kids turning around and telling them to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.
Read more!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Wages of Sin

According to today's New York Times:

Investigators Seek Records of Spitzer Campaign’s Payments to a Consultant -- Federal authorities are seeking records involving payments to a political fund-raising consultant to Gov. Eliot Spitzer as part of their criminal investigation, according to two people with direct knowledge of the inquiry...(more)


(on sale at http://tabloidtshirts.com/)

It could be that Spitzer was using campaign contributions to fund his whore addiction. Nice arrangement.
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Saturday, March 15, 2008

The Audacity of Toast

Rev. Jerimiah Wright has been "fired" as advisor to Barack Obama's campaign after some of his very inflammatory remarks from past sermons came to light. Wright has said things like AIDS was invented by the CIA, the United States invited 9/11, and "God damn America."


---- (On Sale Now at: http://tabloidtshirts.com/)

Obama, generally a smooth communicator, doesn't sound too credible when he claims that he's NEVER heard ANY of Wright's controversial comments. Apparently, Obama has been sleeping in church for the last twenty years

From MSNBC:
...Obama took the title of his 2006 autobiography, “The Audacity of Hope,” from a sermon by Wright, who baptized him and officiated at his wedding. He has called Wright “a sounding board for me to make sure that I am speaking as truthfully about what I believe as possible.”

...The statements that Rev. Wright made that are the cause of this controversy were not statements I personally heard him preach while I sat in the pews of Trinity or heard him utter in private conversation,” the posting said, adding that over the years, “Rev. Wright preached the gospel of Jesus, a gospel on which I base my life.

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

Not Funny Dude


Ever the iconoclasts, Trey Parker and Matt Stone used the HIV virus as comic fodder for "Tonsil Trouble," South Park's twelfth season premiere.

In the episode, Cartman contracts the AIDS virus due to a tainted blood transfusion he receives during a routine tonsillectomy. When the news is broken to the gang, Kyle can't help but snicker at the irony of one the most bigoted, homophobic members of their group being afflicted by the "gay" disease.

Fed up with Kyles constant laughing, Cartman, syringe in hand, sneaks into Kyle's room and evens the score by infecting him too.

After finding out he's infected too and knowing EXACTLY how it happened, an enraged Kyle proceeds to destroy all of Cartman's toys. Cartman calms him down by devising a plan to find a "cure" by visiting Magic Johnson who's "had HIV for about fifty years and is just fine."

When Kyle wonders if it'll work, Kyle replies that he's "HIV positive" it will.

In the end, the boys discover that Magic Johnson's proximity to piles of money is what keeps his HIV in check. A direct injection of one hundred eighty thousand dollars worth of currency distilled into liquid form totally eraticates the disease.

The usual South Park satire is there. The AIDS cause is lampooned as "retro" and "so 1990s." Meanwhile, the "concerned" celebrity culture is mocked as all but the "C" listers stampeed to more fashionable charities. Even Elton John eshews the "red ribbon" movement, leaving only Jimmy Buffet as the biggest named performer available for Cartman's fundraiser.

Clever, insightful, and funny, yes. Yet, I felt a little let down.

At the beginning, I braced myself for discomfort once I realized what the episode was going to be about. But as the storyline progressed, it seemed as if the writers flinched a bit. They weren't nearly as obnoxious in portraying the objects of their satire as they could have been. Magic Johnson, for instance, just came across as an average, friendly guy. That's fine, I've nothing against Magic in particular. But, his character just wasn't South Park.

In the South Park universe, if you're going to shoot, shoot to kill, not wing, your target. And in the end, "Tonsil Troubles"missed. Maybe not by a mile, but by a few yards at least.

Of that I'm positive, HIV positive...

....oh goddammit!!

Read more!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The "Emperors Club" Has No Clothes

I was on the treadmill at the gym today chuckling to myself like Beavis and Butthead when I saw the CNN story about a New York governor named "Spitzer" who was caught hiring prostitutes. To make matter's worse, the name of the reporter talking about it was "Fred Dicker."

I'm so immature...(hee hee).



...(btw, the shirt's for sale)
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Monday, March 10, 2008

Ka-Boom

I came sooooo close for the March 3rd New Yorker "Cartoon Caption Contest # 135."



My half-way decent entry was:

"We can only stay for ONE drink."
The winning entrees:

  • "You said B.Y.O.B., right?" - ugh

  • "It's great to see you, but we can only stay about fifteen seconds." - very similiar to what I submitted (so, I kinda like it). But, I think MINE was a bit more subtle.

  • "Sorry we're late. Clearing customs was a nightmare." - pure crap

Read more!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Luck O' The Irish

Spread St. Patty's Day wishes the Motown way...


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Saturday, March 08, 2008

Render Unto Sony...

This Film Is Not Yet Rated (2006)
Director: Kirby Dick

1975 saw the release of both Jaws and Rollerball. The former received a "PG" rating while the latter was rated "R."

At the time, I remember Norman Jewison, the director of Rollerball, complaining about the "R" rating and it's effect on possible box office. He cited Jaws and the fact that violence was somehow treated more leniently than sexual content.

"Caress a breast," Jewison groused, "and you get an 'R, stab that same breast and you get a 'PG'."

Not an inaccurate statement (then or now), but his point was somewhat diminished by the fact that the violence in Rollerball is clearly more prevalent than that in Jaws.

This was on my mind when watching This Film is Not Yet Rated, a 2006 documentary directed by Kirby Dick. The film takes on the curious and VERY secretive cabal that is the MPAA ratings board.

Dick does a good job of demonstrating how arbitrary and inconsistent the methods used by the ratings board are when it comes to assigning a rating.

There was a South Park episode called "The List" where the boys got entrenched in the process by which little girls derive various lists such as "cutest boy," "nicest teacher," "prettiest purse," etc. The methodology was comically shown to be incredibly political and bureaucratically immovable. ONCE a decision was made, however arbitrary or incorrect, it could not be changed.

My guess is that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were lampooning how MPAA ratings were arrived at since the two procedures seem somewhat similar.

The main complaint of filmmakers like Kevin Smith and John Waters is that an NC-17 rating is almost the kiss of box office death for a film because distributors are less likely to promote it. AND the major factor that seems to raise a film from a PG-13 rating to an NC-17 is sexual content. Furthermore, homosexual content is treated more severely by the board than similar heterosexual content.

Dick shows some film examples that indeed support his thesis. If he had spent more time developing these examples, his movie might have resonated more strongly with me.

HOWEVER, Dick spends an inordinate amount using the tired Michael Moore device of ambushing MPAA Ratings Board members, who try to maintain strict anonymity, on camera. While entertaining, a little of this goes a long way.

Dick also makes it personal by documenting the trouble he's having with the board getting the documentary itself rated.

Again, this illustrates the arbitrary nature of the process. But, it got to be as boring as watching that old 1960's clip of Lenny Bruce (a true victim of censorship) reading the transcripts of his obscenity trial in lieu of doing his act.

And there's a big difference between applying a rating to a movie and banning it. This is especially true in today's world of "unrated, director's cut" DVDs that anyone can rent at Blockbuster.

This Film Is Not Yet Rated shows that the current rating system is arbitrary, imperfect, and can affect a film's box office potential. BUT, the very fact that I was watching it proves that no one's voice was being silenced.

The filmmakers who were interviewed seemed like whiny teenagers who complain when their parents won't let them use the family car. Or the griping I hear from my kids when they want to get on MY computer (like right now).

It was hard to take John Waters as the "voice of reason" as he once made a film that ends with the hero eating dog shit fresh from a poodle's ass.

Maria Bello seemed overly dramatic when complaining about having to trim (no pun) a millisecond from a nude shot in The Cooler that showed her pubic hair. Sure, it was silly for the board to parse things so finely. But, I saw an uncut version of The Cooler, and the ending was a disappointment with or without Bello's muff scene intact (again, no pun).

Unfortunately, we live in a world where people need warnings on coffee cups to realize that the contents are hot and instructions on lawn mowers NOT to pick up them up while they're running. So, it's not surprising that movies would fall victim to the same sort of labeling restrictions.

As a father of four, I certainly would like SOME guidance.

Perhaps instead of ratings, maybe the MPAA could set up a website that just lists movie contents (20 utterances of "fuck," 3 killings, 2 breast shots, etc.) and let the viewers decide for themselves.

Of course, simply counting such things doesn't always demonstrate anything definitively. For instance, both The Wizard of Oz and Psycho show the same number of killings (two).

That old saying is true. I don't know what's obscene, but I know obscenity when I see it.

For what it's worth, I think that it's dollars not morals that drive the movie industry. I have no doubt that IF there were a market for it, the movie industry would produce and widely distribute films about puppies in blenders.

Dick and a lot of the people interviewed in This Film Is Not Yet Rated seem to forget that it's called "show BUSINESS."
Read more!

Grumpy Old Men

I love how the reporter from The New York Times, the paper that just did a hit piece on an "alleged" affair asks John McCain why he's so angry when she brings up a non-story from 2004.

From CBS News:

McCain Irked By Times Reporter (link)
On a flight to New Orleans, John McCain loses his patience with the New York Times' Elisabeth Bumiller, who quizzed him on a 2004 conversation with John Kerry about being Kerry's running mate.




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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Hello, it's Me

The Hillary Clinton "Red Phone" ad begs for a number of punch lines. Here's mine:


(check out the shirt!!)

BTW, the ORIGINAL scare ad was LBJ's "Daisy H-Bomb" against Goldwater from 1964:



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Monday, March 03, 2008

Contaminated Comix

The material that came in for The New Yorker's "Cartoon Caption Contest" #134 was hazardous.


My two entries:

  • "Not tonight, I'm having a meltdown."

  • "Did you lock the front plutonium chamber door?"
Here is the list of winners:
  • "Don't sexual fantasies usually involve sex at some point?" --- BORING

  • "Next time can we just get flu shots like everyone else?" --- It's okay, but sort of off base for the cartoon.

  • "Not tonight, dear. I have acute radiation poisoning." --- similar to one of mine, but I prefer mine.

Read more!

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Sea of Love

Here are some actual pics posted on Plenty of Fish (a dating site).

They're great examples of what NOT to do when trying to stir up interest in yourself:

Welshdogg - this steamy shot makes him look like "Buffalo Bill," the killer from The Silence of the Lambs.


indiana01 - "Happiness is a warm gun."


Rom30 - Awwww, how romantic! He took this shot in a public restroom.


ianhouse - It's a shame that the only pic he had from from the security camera at Seven/Eleven.

Read more!

Friday, February 29, 2008

Recoil

(posted as part of the the I Can Do It Better blog-a-thon! at gee bobg)

The Day of the Jackal (1973)
Director: Fred Zinnemann



I hate to repeat myself as I've already posted something on this movie last October for the Close-Up Blog-a-thon in The House Next Door (Mad Dogs and Englishmen). But I literally just watched the last thirty minutes of it an hour ago.

The Day of the Jackal is the film version of a Frederick Forsyth novel set in 1961 about a fictional plot by the OAS, a French terrorist group, to assassinate President Charles de Gaulle.

Actually, there's not much that NEEDS changing. I'd say it's 99 percent perfect.

However, someone in 1997 did think they could do it better and the result was lightweight remake The Jackal starring Bruce Willis (in the title role), Sidney Poitier, and Richard Gere.

The original movie followed the novel closely and was a straight-forward, realistic thriller. The remake brought the story into present day and turned it into one long pyrotechnic laden Hollywood action flick.

But I digress.

According to the IMDB trivia for the 1973 version:
Michael Caine lobbied for the role of The Jackal, but director Fred Zinnemann did not want a movie star in the role as he thought that using a recognizable face such as Caine's in the role of a man who essentially is and remains a cipher would reduce the suspense felt by the audience. Thus, Zinneman offered the role to the lesser known Edward Fox...

Zinneman was right. Fox dissolves into the role of "The Jackal." Whereas, in the remake, Bruce Willis is conspicuously PLAYING at being an international assassin.

The other main character of The Day of the Jackal is Claude Lebel, the lead inspector for French Security (Michael Lonsdale). Seeming more like Columbo than Mannix, Lebel doesn't rely on brute force as do many of his fellow officiers. During one scene, he's critical of the severe interrogation methods used on a suspect that make waterboarding seem rather tame.

The Day of the Jackal follows two stories: the assassin's preparations to be in the right place at the right time to take out DeGaulle and the efforts of Lebel methodically and dispassionately following various bureaucratic paper trails to uncover who "The Jackal" is.

Throughout the film, Lebel is conspicuously shown with a pen in his front pocket. It's not even clear if he carries a gun. After all, the pen IS mightier than the sword.

Many viewers have complained that the relative lack of action makes The Day of the Jackal boring (it wasn't a financial success).

While I couldn't disagree more with that assessment, there is ONE thing I would do to make it better.

The film unfolds in a credible and realistic chain of events UNTIL the dramatic climax. While faithful to the novel, it's staged in a typical Hollywood fashion.

Lebel manages to get the drop on "The Jackal" (we never learn his real name) and shoots him with a machine gun before the assassin can carry out his deadly plot.

When shot, "The Jackal" is lifted up and tossed backward in the air. Though you can't see it, the actor is clearly being pulled back by a wire. Even worse, the wall he flies into moves a little when he bangs into it and thus reveals itself to be part of a set.

Anyone who's seen Mythbusters knows that in real life, the law of physics don't work like they do in Hollywood. Had the bullets really exerted enough force to throw "The Jackal" back five feet, Lebel would have been tossed back five feet as well.

Were I filming it, the assassin would simply have slumped back and down to the ground. This would have been in keeping with the no nonsense, almost documentary tone the film had struck from the beginning.

The "action film" staging Finnemann chose for the ending doesn't RUIN The Day of the Jackal for me. I still love the movie.

Like the assassin's plan, it's ALMOST perfectly executed.


Read more!

Blame Canada

For all his talk about working with foreign governments, Barack Obama seems to have irked Canada before he's even been elected.

How does $5.00 a gallon gasoline sound?
Obama, Clinton err on NAFTA (Toronto Star, 02/29/08):

...In a debate in Ohio this week, Clinton bluntly vowed to tell "Canada and Mexico that we will opt out (of the North American Free Trade Agreement) unless we renegotiate the core labour and environmental standards." Not to be outdone, Obama quickly echoed her: "I think actually Senator Clinton's answer on this one is right."

...Prime Minister Stephen Harper rightly told Parliament yesterday, U.S. politicians who want to reopen NAFTA need to consider that Canadians have issues we'd like to raise.

...A U.S. push to reopen NAFTA now would invite Canada to use its leverage as the biggest fuel supplier to the U.S. to bargain for better terms. That would not be in the interest of U.S. consumers and jobs.

Read more!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Matt and Sarah and Jim and Affleck

Jimmy Kimmel is officially the "King of Late Night."

I'm F**king Matt Damon



I'm F**king Ben Affleck

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Perfect Brew

Whatever they discussed during yesterday's Starbucks "shutdown" must have worked.

Today, my standard coffee was EXCELLENT. Not that she isn't normally, but the barista was EXTRA attentive. She said a special "hello" and wrote my name on the cup (personal touch).

Starbucks Promises Customers Perfection
Starbucks' New Pledge: to Make a Perfect Cup of Coffee, or Do It Over Again
SEATTLE (AP) -- A day after shutting down most of its U.S. shops for three hours to retrain baristas on espresso basics, Starbucks is welcoming customers back Wednesday with a new promise posted in stores: "Your drink should be perfect, every time. If not, let us know and we'll make it right."...(more)

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Now THAT'S Depressing

A double dose of bad news.

Sigh -- no Caramel Fluoxetine Macchiato today!

Coffee break: Starbucks closing for 3 hours today
SEATTLE (AP) — Starbucks is closing the doors at its 7,100 stores across America for a brief barista re-education.

CEO Howard Schultz announced the 3-hour closure starting at 5:30 p.m. local time Tuesday to energize 135,000 employees...(USA Today, Feb 26, 2006)

Manufacturers rebut study on pill used by 40 million worldwide
London, February 26: For years, Prozac has been one of the best-selling anti-depressant drugs, available in India under brand names Prodep and Fludax. All over the world more than 40 million people rely on it to cure depression. It’s often described as the “happy pill” but now an international team of doctors has found that Prozac doesn’t work and it could be a waste of time and money...(The Indian Express, Feb 26, 2006)


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Monday, February 25, 2008

Stoned

Yet another lame New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest # 133:



My entry was: "We heard that the 'director's cut' was more violent." A friend of mine submitted "You really suffer for your art."

Here are the official winners. I only liked the second one.

  • "I almost wore the same spear." - this one doesn't seem to get the cartoon

  • "So how much of the story is autobiographical?" - not bad

  • "So you're the guy who discovered friendly fire." - zzzzzz

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Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Smokeless Gun

The New York Times takes on itself for publishing the McCain story.

What That McCain Article Didn’t Say (NY Times)

...The article was notable for what it did not say: It did not say what convinced the advisers that there was a romance. It did not make clear what McCain was admitting when he acknowledged behaving inappropriately — an affair or just an association with a lobbyist that could look bad. And it did not say whether Weaver, the only on-the-record source, believed there was a romance.

...A newspaper cannot begin a story about the all-but-certain Republican presidential nominee with the suggestion of an extramarital affair with an attractive lobbyist 31 years his junior and expect readers to focus on anything other than what most of them did. And if a newspaper is going to suggest an improper sexual affair, whether editors think that is the central point or not, it owes readers more proof than The Times was able to provide.

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Friday, February 22, 2008

BAM!

Wow. I was just as skeptical as anyone about the Pentagon's plan to shoot down that failing satellite.

But as this video shows, you can't argue with success.
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Thursday, February 21, 2008

Fidel and Me

Michael Moore still kissing the ass of brutal dictator Fidel Castro:

From Newsvine.com
"I got some great news today because I was trying to figure out how I was going to get Castro into the Oscars and for me he resigns today so he can come to L.A. and go as my guest and perhaps give the acceptance speech," Moore told AP Television on Tuesday night."

As long as he keeps it under five hours. I'm telling you, that's got to be a ratings grabber. Can you imagine him? Showing up? If I could talk to (Oscar producer) Gil Cates and maybe get Castro in a dance number at the beginning of the show? Great."

Ha ha...maybe...ha ha...after the dance number...hee hee...they can have Castro cap a few "dissidents" right on stage too...ha ha ha.
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

got delegates?

As Obama and Clinton battle for enough delegates to win the Democratic nomination, one undecided superdelegate, Debbie Kozikowski from Massachusetts said jokingly, that she was going to join a witness protection program.

According to this USA Today article, the DNC is struggling to come up with a way to include Michigan and Florida into the mix.

Maybe they should try rock, paper, scissors.

From USAToday:
Dems stumped figuring Fla., Mich. into delegate equation
WASHINGTON — In the fight for the Democratic presidential nomination, the votes in Florida and Michigan didn't count when residents in those states went to the polls in January.

But now Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama are locked in a fierce battle for every possible convention delegate, prompting talk of a showdown at this summer's
national convention and raising the specter of a divided party going into the November election.

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Monday, February 18, 2008

Double Features

It's always fun for cinephiles when two similarly plotted films are released within months of each other.

In 2006, for instance, Infamous, a film depicting Truman Capote's writing of In Cold Blood, took a beating (perhaps undeserved) because it came out AFTER the very successful Capote (2005).

Even delaying the its release to allow Capote fever to die down didn't help very much. Infamous virtually became a straight to DVD project.

While each movie puts a different spin on the plot (Infamous seems to cut Capote less slack), they're both worthy efforts, I favorted Capote.

It's not a bad movie, but my problem with Infamous is that Daniel Craig, a talented actor, is just wrong for the part of the diminutive murderer Perry Smith. Because Smith's physicality is integral to understanding what he's all about, Craig's more imposing stature is too much of a distraction.

This prompted me to list and compare other such parallel feature film releases.

In many cases, trying to decide which version is better, is a lot like answering the eternal question: who's hotter -- Mary Ann or Ginger?

Sometimes, I just can't make up my mind.

Dr. Strangelove/Failsafe (1964)

This is the mother of twin releases.

Henry Fonda said he would never have made Failsafe, if he had seen Dr. Strangelove beforehand.

Like Infamous, Failsafe is a good movie, but clearly suffered by being released second. It suffered BIG TIME by being released second to a masterpiece.

Failsafe has enjoyed a bit of a revival in recent years and has emerged from of Dr. Stranglove's shadow to be appreciated on it's own. George Clooney even championed 2000's live television remake (in black and white, no less).

While I like Failsafe, Dr. Strangelove wins hands down. The characters in Failsafe seem to waste a lot of time pontificating about the perils of the nuclear age rather then simply working the problem.

The ultimate irony is that even though Dr. Strangelove is a comedy, it feels more realistic than Failsafe. Okay, maybe the war room in Dr. Strangelove is surreal. But for the most part, Dr. Strangelove seems more accurate and less dated when viewed today.

For example, both movies contain scenes in which the pilots break open and read their respective mission orders. In Dr. Strangelove, the "attact profile" contains a mix of written plans, target coordinates and detailed procedures. The attack plan scene in Failsafe focuses on an unintentially funny index card that simply has the word "MOSCOW" printed on it in thick black ink.

And the last line in Dr. Strangelove, "Mein Furher, I can valk" totally destroys Failsafe's last line, "I'm the matador."

Verdict: Dr. Strangelove

Never Say Never Again/Octopussy (1983)

Sean Connery agreed to appear one more time in an "rogue" Bond flick which was essentially (and legally) a remake of Thunderball. This set the stage that year for a head to head competition with the 007's franchise "official" entry to the series.

Critically, if not financially, Never Say Never Again, got the better of it. Those who had been lambasting Roger Moore's less serious interpretation of Bond since Connery left the part in 1971 seemed vindicated by the real-time comparison.

While it's initially exciting to see Connery strapping on the Walther PPK again, Never Say Never Again is a bit of a disappointment. The original plan was to have Connery play an older Bond. But, they chickened out. Connery's brown hair piece seems more unbelievable than his flying motorcycle. And like Thunderball did seventeen years earlier, Never Say Never Again proves that there's no way to make an underwater scuba fight seem interesting.

On the other hand, Octopussy has a scene where Roger Moore's Bond is dressed in clown make-up and big floppy shoes. 'Nuff said.

Verdict: Never Say Never Again by a hair(piece)

Armageddon/Deep Impact (1998)

Deep Impact's original script was altered from the president saying "Life will go on, we will prevail...THIS IS NOT ARMAGEDDON!" to "Life will go on, we will prevail" because the producers knew that they were indeed facing Armageddon (at the box-office anyway).

Both movies are standard disaster vehicles that are chock full of special effects catastrophies. And both movies end with a major character sacrificing themself. To it's detrement, Armageddon seems a little too happy about it.

Verdict: Tie

Valmont (1989)/ Dangerous Liasions (1988)

An interesting piece of trivia from IMDB has it that Michelle Pfieffer was offered the role of the older Marquise de Merteuil in Valmont at the same time she was offered the role as the younger Madame de Tourvel in Dangerous Liaisons.

While Pfieffer may be a bit too old for her character in Dangerous Liasions, I can certainly see how losing her could drive one to suicide.

In Valmont, the characters talk and act in a more contemporary (late 1980's) manner than Dangerous Liasions which plays out more like a time capsule for the period in which the story occurs.

I enjoyed both movies equally. In fact, comparing their respective approaches is an interesting, if not geeky, exercise.

Verdict: Tie

Tombstone (1993) /Wyatt Earp (1994)

Both Tombstone and Wyatt Earp present historically accurate reenactments of the famous gunfight at the "OK" corral (in real life, it lasted less than a minute). Both Kurt Russell (Tombstone) and Kevin Cosner (Wyatt Earp) portray Earp as a flawed lawman.

It's close, but Wyatt Earp is a more fully realized effort. And Dennis Quaid (who lost thirty pounds for the part) as Doc Holiday is more credible as the gentleman killer than Val Kilmer's more dandified version.

Verdict: Wyatt Earp

Actually, the answer to the Mary Ann vs. Ginger question is easy: it's Batgirl, of course!


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Friday, February 15, 2008

Now THAT'S Hardball

Chris Matthews confesses to multiple on-air "obamasms."

His MSNBC cohorts give him a really hard, er, I mean tough time about it too.

Speaking of "hard," that Mika Brzezinski's a real dish.


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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Bread and Circuses


Is it me, or was it crazy for Clemens, who could go into a 'roid rage at any second, to be seated at the House steroid hearings right next to McNamee, the man who could keep Clemens out of the Hall of Fame?
From USA Today:

Under oath, McNamee and Clemens draw battle lines

...The exchange kicked off an extraordinary Capitol Hill hearing in which lawmakers took aim at the credibility of Clemens and McNamee, who told investigators for MLB he had injected Clemens with steroids and HGH 16 to 21 times from 1998 to 2001. Under possible penalty of federal perjury charges, Clemens and McNamee gave vastly different accounts of their relationship and whether Clemens had been a part of the steroids scandal that has plagued baseball.

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Monday, February 11, 2008

Too Little, Too Late

It's too bad for Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick that this Blackberry outage didn't come sooner.

From the New York Times:

Again, BlackBerrys Are Disrupted by a Technical Snag

OTTAWA — For the second time in less than a year, a technical failure on Monday idled the thumbs of many BlackBerry users by severing their wireless link to e-mail and the Web.

Representatives of several North American carriers said they were told by Research In Motion, BlackBerry’s maker, that a significant failure had occurred somewhere in the servers it operates to connect the popular hand-held devices with the Internet...

BTW, the shirts are IN!!!
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Saturday, February 09, 2008

Blond Ambition

The Host (Gwoemul) - 2006
Director: Joon-ho Bong

In a lot of the write-ups for Cloverfield, this year's surprise box-office hit, I noticed many comparisons to The Host, a South Korean monster flick from 2006. Reviewers point out similar plot elements and in a surprising number of cases, give the nod to The Host as the superior film.

I agree with the first part. Both films feature treacherous bridge crossings, nerve racking tunnel searches, and the main character's return to "ground zero" of the monster attacks to rescue trapped girls.

However, there's no question for me that Cloverfield is the better of the two. Where Cloverfield is sharp and insightful, The Host is often clumsy and silly.

One need look no further than how the families in both movies are shown dealing with their respective grief for proof of this.

Cloverfield, has the main character somberly informing his mother of his brother's death in a quiet, understated cell phone conversation that was more moving than I would have expected from a monster flick.

In The Host, what should be a important family moment becomes laughable when staged as a temper tantrum which degenerates into a ridiculous kick fight between the characters who are literally rolling around on the floor. Was that supposed to be poignant or funny? If I had to pick a point where the movie lost me, it was RIGHT there.

As I've written earlier, for me Cloverfield is a metaphor for the power of an unrealized love.

Unfortunately, because I never connected with the characters, I found The Host to be no more than a straight-forward, and not so subtle, statement on the perils of unbridled Western (American) style capitalism.

Godzilla, the 1950s era giant monster movie, was born out of Japan's reaction to the U.S. dropped atomic bombs that ended World War II. One got the feeling that while the Japanese film pointed the finger of blame on capricious tinkering with nuclear weapons, it's ire is directed at mankind in general, rather than specifically at the United States.

On the other hand, The Host's South Korean director, Jooh-ho Bong, seems to hold the U.S. singularly accountable for the creature and is damn angry about it.

I don't have a problem with the specifics of the politics the director is trying to convey. I loved the new Day of the Dead. It took many satirical shots at different elements of America's consumer driven culture. But the underlying drama didn't suffer.

In The Host, the director's vision is expressed in such a heavy handed manner that it gets in the way of the story.

The movie follows an already dysfunctional family that is further ripped apart when a mutated creature emerges out of the Han River next to where they run a small snack bar.

The cause of the mutation is an American doctor, with apparent control issues, who carelessly dumps formaldehyde into the river because the bottles are dusty (out with the old, in with the new). His South Korean assitant is a reluctant, yet willing participant in this.

The Host introduces the main character asleep at the counter of the family store. His dark Asian hair is frosted blond and he's laying face-down on a pile of coins.

While the creature certainly is a villian. The highly Westernized South Korean culture, bombarded by MTV style television and an atmosphere of conspicuous consumption, is portrayed as equally dangerous.

The OTHER American character is a doctor who runs a kafkaesque hospital that functions to quaranteen people exposed to a virus carried by the creature from the general population. There, "patients" are subjected to horrible treatment in the sterile, dehumanized facility.

The doctor is a shallow, straw-man who comes across no better than a sterotypic mad scientist from a 1950's monster film (or the X-Files).

While the military doctors in Cloverfield are equally pragmatic and emotionally detached from their suffering patients as their counterparts in The Host, they don't come off as cartoonish.

The Host's evil doctor, preparing for some curious form of brain surgery, points to the main character's head and declares "the trouble is in there."

This scene was ham-handed and did nothing to advance the plot. Watching it, I had to ask myself WHY did the director choose to include it?

The answer was that so HE could make HIS broader statement (the mind altering effect of Western culture). Unfortunately, his point is made at expense of credible story development. Thus, taking me out of the experience as a viewer.

By the movie's unsubtle end, the hero is sitting once again at the counter of the family store. But this time, made wiser by the ordeal, he's more alert to the world around him and his formerly blond colored locks are back to their natural dark shade.

I really wanted to like The Host, but found Joon-ho Bong's attempt to add social commentary to his story more distracting than Godzilla's fake rubber suit.
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